Today Dirk is 3 weeks old. I still feel like a fish out of water, overwhelmed, fumbling, like I don't know what I'm doing. It makes me feel guilty when I feel stressed out. Like to me a mom is someone who is infinitely patient and kind...some Mary Poppins character....not some grumpy person who feels frustrated that she doesn't know what she's doing. I feel numb a lot... shell shocked. In my head I know it's normal to feel this way... it's a life altering thing having a child.... but my brain tells me I am failing, that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not kind/loving enough. I worry about everything. The breast feeding is nonexistent at this point. I'm barely making milk and I'm supposed to be pumping every 2/3 hours, but I can't seem to manage the time for it. I don't like feeding the baby all this formula... and it's expensive... and I start worrying about how we'll pay for everything. I feel like I need to get another job. Man, if only the music/books would sell. Daycare is going to cost $860 a month alone.... not factoring in the diapers & formula. It's just scary. Everything is scary. And then what's going to happen when I have to start back to work? How will I juggle all of this?
I don't know.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sweet Relief
Yesterday we took Dirkenstein to see the pediatric eye doctor to have the spot on his pupil checked. Mike and I were worried sick. We made the mistake of Googling. We saw everything from brain tumor, to cataract, to eye surgery, to "nothing to worry about". Suffice to say both of us were pretty scared.
The doctor was so nice. He really gave us a sense of relief just based on his demeanor. It turns out the spot on his pupil is actually part of his iris that attached to the pupil. He can see just fine and if the size stays the same it will be nothing he ever has to worry about. We have to take him back in two months for follow up. Thankfully this should never even affect his vision.
RELIEF
You don't realize how scared you can be. I mean, people tell you trite crap when you're pregnant about how you will never believe how much you can love someone else etc.. and in your head you're kind of like "yeah, I'm sure, but whatever"... So, now I guess I'm one of "those people" too. LOL I mean, I was terrified when Mike was sick back in the day. Absolutely terrified (and more on this shortly) but Mike is also a grown up and not helpless. Thinking about baby Dirk having to potentially go through something horrendous was just beyond frightening.
Back to Mike... for some reason having Dirk has made me even more terrified about losing others that I love. I worry about Mike. I worry about the rest of my family. The thought of losing any of them scares me more now than it ever did, and I have to say, it has always been something that's haunted me. Even as a child I used to get scared thinking about something happening to my parents. I simply cannot live without Mike. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. So now I'm mega paranoid about everything. Yeehaw!
Later today I go to my OB to get my two week check up. I'm really hoping they tell me I'm allowed to drive again. I cannot stand being trapped in the house!!!!! I still haven't gotten used to having to tow Dirk along everywhere. I know there's probably a "system" that will make it easier. Right now it seems a little daunting, the idea of going out by myself with him.
Ugh! Everything makes me paranoid! LOL Is it okay to put his pacifier in his mouth when he's sleeping? Is it okay for a blanket to just be draped over him? Is he spitting up too much? Does he have a normal amount of gas or is he too gassy? Is his poop the right consistancy? What's the best formula? Bottles? Nipples? BLAH BLAH BLAH The whole SIDs thing scares the living hell out of me! So, yeah, paranoid.
And all normal fears, from what I gather.
Sigh.
I'll get through this. I'm not stupid and people have been raising kids for thousands of years with less than what I've been blessed with. Still, geez louise.
I even tried doing some writing yesterday! I only got about five paragraphs, but the routine of it felt good. I miss my characters and I miss their world!
more soon
The doctor was so nice. He really gave us a sense of relief just based on his demeanor. It turns out the spot on his pupil is actually part of his iris that attached to the pupil. He can see just fine and if the size stays the same it will be nothing he ever has to worry about. We have to take him back in two months for follow up. Thankfully this should never even affect his vision.
RELIEF
You don't realize how scared you can be. I mean, people tell you trite crap when you're pregnant about how you will never believe how much you can love someone else etc.. and in your head you're kind of like "yeah, I'm sure, but whatever"... So, now I guess I'm one of "those people" too. LOL I mean, I was terrified when Mike was sick back in the day. Absolutely terrified (and more on this shortly) but Mike is also a grown up and not helpless. Thinking about baby Dirk having to potentially go through something horrendous was just beyond frightening.
Back to Mike... for some reason having Dirk has made me even more terrified about losing others that I love. I worry about Mike. I worry about the rest of my family. The thought of losing any of them scares me more now than it ever did, and I have to say, it has always been something that's haunted me. Even as a child I used to get scared thinking about something happening to my parents. I simply cannot live without Mike. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. So now I'm mega paranoid about everything. Yeehaw!
Later today I go to my OB to get my two week check up. I'm really hoping they tell me I'm allowed to drive again. I cannot stand being trapped in the house!!!!! I still haven't gotten used to having to tow Dirk along everywhere. I know there's probably a "system" that will make it easier. Right now it seems a little daunting, the idea of going out by myself with him.
Ugh! Everything makes me paranoid! LOL Is it okay to put his pacifier in his mouth when he's sleeping? Is it okay for a blanket to just be draped over him? Is he spitting up too much? Does he have a normal amount of gas or is he too gassy? Is his poop the right consistancy? What's the best formula? Bottles? Nipples? BLAH BLAH BLAH The whole SIDs thing scares the living hell out of me! So, yeah, paranoid.
And all normal fears, from what I gather.
Sigh.
I'll get through this. I'm not stupid and people have been raising kids for thousands of years with less than what I've been blessed with. Still, geez louise.
I even tried doing some writing yesterday! I only got about five paragraphs, but the routine of it felt good. I miss my characters and I miss their world!
more soon
Monday, September 5, 2011
Emotional Overload - I am NO GOOD at this
So, Mike and I came home from the hospital Sunday afternoon. I was still pretty out of it. We were both still pretty shell shocked by the whole experience. We were both glad my mom was here. That night we were sitting around watching television with the baby in his little crib and noticed the house was warm. The air was set on 70, yet the house was 85 and climbing. Not good. Mike called our air conditioning company at midnight and they promised to send someone out first thing the following morning since we had a newborn and a wife that just had surgery. The guy didn't come til almost 11. Yeah, the house was hot as fuck. So, the guy put in some coolant blah blah, it was supposed to keep the house cool until another guy could come the following day to give us an estimate on a new system. Perfect timing eh? Because we all know how inexpensive cooling/heating systems are. ANYWAY, the guy never showed up so Mike called and lo and behold, no one had set it up for anyone to come out. So Mike drove Dirk, me and my mom up to a hotel while he slept in a house that was over 100 degrees with two dogs and a cat and surrounded by fans. Living out of bags with a newborn, especially when you can barely get around, was so NOT fun. Not to mention I wanted my HUSBAND with me and I wanted us to ENJOY having our new son at home! Why couldn't we just deal with him and not also have to deal with this other chaos!?
So, the next day when no one showed up Mike packed up the dogs, the cat, and himself and came to the hotel. Major chaos. He spent most of the day calling around trying to find another company to come out. Thankfully his step dad had just replaced his system and had a good experience, so he called them and they came right out and jumped on everything. Of course it was still going to take TIME to get everything installed. So, all of us living in a hotel. Awesome.
My friend Shelby had warned me about the 3rd day after birth. My emotions were raw and all over the place. I felt so completely lost and out of control emotionally. Everything made me cry. I felt like a complete failure and so LOST... it's the only way to describe it. I'm sure it was 98% hormonal, but also the crazy situation we were forced into. I was so sad and angry... WHY couldn't we just be at home settling in? Why do these things ALWAYS happen to us? We prepped for 9 mos for this baby and THIS was what we had to deal with? WHY? I couldn't stop crying. Thank God my mom was there because at one point I had to just shut myself in the bathroom and bawl like a baby. And then of course I felt guilty because I was feeling bad. I'm retarded or something. If not for Mike and my good friends who were texting me all the time, and my mom helping with the baby, things would've sucked a lot worse.
The baby breastfed immediately in the hospital without any problems, but as soon as I left he stopped and now cries like I'm trying to kill him any time I try to feed him. Because he wasn't eating enough he started getting "crystals" in his diaper.
http://www.babycenter.com/404_what-does-it-mean-if-my-baby-has-urate-crystals-in-her-diape_3651268.bc
So, I had to call his doctor that Sunday and find out what that was about. THANKFULLY the doctor actually has an answering service and cares enough to call back on his days off! Yes just another thing on our already overflowing plate of crap. The crystals look like blood, so we were freaked. The doctor told me to supplment with some formula to keep Dirk from getting dehydrated... and that is really what messed him up for breastfeeding I think. Now that he's used to getting fed easily via bottle he really doesn't want to work for his meal.
I tell you, it makes you feel horrendous when your child is screaming his head off rather than wanting to touch you! I mean, he literally acts like I'm trying to kill him! I know babies are all about drama, but dang, even mentally knowing that doesn't make it feel any less awful! It makes me feel like a failure as a mom. I'm already all fumbly! I had only changed like one diaper prior to Dirk and had never really been around a newborn...so I literally have to learn everything from scratch and I suck at the learning phase of anything...let alone feeling like a completely incompetant moron when it comes to the most important job I'll ever have.
So, after two and a half days of "hotel living" we finally got to come home to a nice, cool home. Sweet relief. Ahhh but my emotions are still raw.
Now, onto the next fear. While in the hospital I noticed Dirk had a white spot in his right pupil. I told myself, well, maybe baby eyes are just milky and weird? But I knew down deep it was odd, I was just afraid to confront it. And since he passed all his tests with flying colors, and I didn't want to worry Mike or confront my fear, I didn't say anything. Of course, it never left my mind and I continued to stare at it every time I held him. He had his first Dr's appt and I had intended to mention his eye there, but I was so frazzled from everything we had been through that I ended up forgetting. Again, Dirk is perfectly healthy, but I couldn't forget his eye. So I called the Dr's office and he wanted to see Dirk.
We took the baby to the doctor. I had to hold his little arms and legs down as his pediatrician looked into his eyes. I have been absolutely terrified about this situation. I am scared to death, as is Mike. I should have said something sooner! I should have mentioned it in the hospital! The doctor asked me if anyone in my family has cataracts or if I had taken any medicine while I was pregnant. (no to each) So, now Dirk has to go see a pediatric eye specialist this upcoming Wednesday. Mike and I are scared. The doctor really didn't explain anything to us, so on our way out I asked the nurse if this was something that was really serious. She told us she would ask the doctor and come back. She never came back. Meanwhile, Dirk was having a breakdown. Screaming, pooping, hungry. So after about 30 minutes I finally said we were out of there. When we went up to pay the co-pay and check out I told the girl I wanted some info but the nurse never came back. We saw the girl as soon as we left the room and you could tell she was like "Oh shit! I forgot!" (In her defense, that place is a madhouse) So, they asked us to wait in the lobby and the doctor would come out, which he did a few moments later. He told us this was nothing serious and that Dirk will not lose his sight, but until I hear this from the Ped. Eye Dr, I will be terrified. I don't want this little man to have surgery, and I don't want him to have vision problems. And again, WHY? WHY do these things have to happen? Nothing ever runs smoothly for Mike and I... we always have a hundred more things to worry about than most people have to worry about. So, until Wednesday, I know I will have periods of terror wash over me.
Now back to the emotions.....
I am pissed off. I feel like women are fucking liars. Society makes it out like when you have a baby you have this warm, rosy feeling...sunshine and butterflies fly out of your ass and you're this loving, all-knowing goddess who is the Great Giver of Life. BULLSHIT!
Yes, I am absolutely in love with this little guy and blown away that Mike and I created him. He's ours! We love and adore him! But right now I feel utterly LOST. There's no sense of routine. Everything I got comfort from before is now gone. I am a fish out of water. A fumbling, lost woman who has no freaking idea what she's doing! My son loves me and I love him, but I am no goddess and I certainly don't know what the fuck I am doing.
And yes, I know it will "all get easier"... but right now I AM LOST. And that is the reality. I am operating from moment to moment hoping for the day when this is all comfortable and second nature. When I know my son inside and out and he knows me that way too and everything in our life fits in place. Right now we're figuring things out together, and it's scary and it's awkward... and yes, it is also full of magic and laughs and lots of "awwwwws!!!!!" but mostly I feel like a terrible mom because I feel like I fail at even the most basic tasks. And without Mike telling me "I think you're doing great and you're a natural"... I would really be freaked out! I mean, I can't even get the kid to booby feed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The most basic of all needs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH! So, that's where I am right now. Lost and feeling like a failure. And yes, also happy to have my little guy....OF COURSE. Oh, and operating on about an hour of sleep. JOY
So, the next day when no one showed up Mike packed up the dogs, the cat, and himself and came to the hotel. Major chaos. He spent most of the day calling around trying to find another company to come out. Thankfully his step dad had just replaced his system and had a good experience, so he called them and they came right out and jumped on everything. Of course it was still going to take TIME to get everything installed. So, all of us living in a hotel. Awesome.
My friend Shelby had warned me about the 3rd day after birth. My emotions were raw and all over the place. I felt so completely lost and out of control emotionally. Everything made me cry. I felt like a complete failure and so LOST... it's the only way to describe it. I'm sure it was 98% hormonal, but also the crazy situation we were forced into. I was so sad and angry... WHY couldn't we just be at home settling in? Why do these things ALWAYS happen to us? We prepped for 9 mos for this baby and THIS was what we had to deal with? WHY? I couldn't stop crying. Thank God my mom was there because at one point I had to just shut myself in the bathroom and bawl like a baby. And then of course I felt guilty because I was feeling bad. I'm retarded or something. If not for Mike and my good friends who were texting me all the time, and my mom helping with the baby, things would've sucked a lot worse.
The baby breastfed immediately in the hospital without any problems, but as soon as I left he stopped and now cries like I'm trying to kill him any time I try to feed him. Because he wasn't eating enough he started getting "crystals" in his diaper.
http://www.babycenter.com/404_what-does-it-mean-if-my-baby-has-urate-crystals-in-her-diape_3651268.bc
So, I had to call his doctor that Sunday and find out what that was about. THANKFULLY the doctor actually has an answering service and cares enough to call back on his days off! Yes just another thing on our already overflowing plate of crap. The crystals look like blood, so we were freaked. The doctor told me to supplment with some formula to keep Dirk from getting dehydrated... and that is really what messed him up for breastfeeding I think. Now that he's used to getting fed easily via bottle he really doesn't want to work for his meal.
I tell you, it makes you feel horrendous when your child is screaming his head off rather than wanting to touch you! I mean, he literally acts like I'm trying to kill him! I know babies are all about drama, but dang, even mentally knowing that doesn't make it feel any less awful! It makes me feel like a failure as a mom. I'm already all fumbly! I had only changed like one diaper prior to Dirk and had never really been around a newborn...so I literally have to learn everything from scratch and I suck at the learning phase of anything...let alone feeling like a completely incompetant moron when it comes to the most important job I'll ever have.
So, after two and a half days of "hotel living" we finally got to come home to a nice, cool home. Sweet relief. Ahhh but my emotions are still raw.
Now, onto the next fear. While in the hospital I noticed Dirk had a white spot in his right pupil. I told myself, well, maybe baby eyes are just milky and weird? But I knew down deep it was odd, I was just afraid to confront it. And since he passed all his tests with flying colors, and I didn't want to worry Mike or confront my fear, I didn't say anything. Of course, it never left my mind and I continued to stare at it every time I held him. He had his first Dr's appt and I had intended to mention his eye there, but I was so frazzled from everything we had been through that I ended up forgetting. Again, Dirk is perfectly healthy, but I couldn't forget his eye. So I called the Dr's office and he wanted to see Dirk.
We took the baby to the doctor. I had to hold his little arms and legs down as his pediatrician looked into his eyes. I have been absolutely terrified about this situation. I am scared to death, as is Mike. I should have said something sooner! I should have mentioned it in the hospital! The doctor asked me if anyone in my family has cataracts or if I had taken any medicine while I was pregnant. (no to each) So, now Dirk has to go see a pediatric eye specialist this upcoming Wednesday. Mike and I are scared. The doctor really didn't explain anything to us, so on our way out I asked the nurse if this was something that was really serious. She told us she would ask the doctor and come back. She never came back. Meanwhile, Dirk was having a breakdown. Screaming, pooping, hungry. So after about 30 minutes I finally said we were out of there. When we went up to pay the co-pay and check out I told the girl I wanted some info but the nurse never came back. We saw the girl as soon as we left the room and you could tell she was like "Oh shit! I forgot!" (In her defense, that place is a madhouse) So, they asked us to wait in the lobby and the doctor would come out, which he did a few moments later. He told us this was nothing serious and that Dirk will not lose his sight, but until I hear this from the Ped. Eye Dr, I will be terrified. I don't want this little man to have surgery, and I don't want him to have vision problems. And again, WHY? WHY do these things have to happen? Nothing ever runs smoothly for Mike and I... we always have a hundred more things to worry about than most people have to worry about. So, until Wednesday, I know I will have periods of terror wash over me.
Now back to the emotions.....
I am pissed off. I feel like women are fucking liars. Society makes it out like when you have a baby you have this warm, rosy feeling...sunshine and butterflies fly out of your ass and you're this loving, all-knowing goddess who is the Great Giver of Life. BULLSHIT!
Yes, I am absolutely in love with this little guy and blown away that Mike and I created him. He's ours! We love and adore him! But right now I feel utterly LOST. There's no sense of routine. Everything I got comfort from before is now gone. I am a fish out of water. A fumbling, lost woman who has no freaking idea what she's doing! My son loves me and I love him, but I am no goddess and I certainly don't know what the fuck I am doing.
And yes, I know it will "all get easier"... but right now I AM LOST. And that is the reality. I am operating from moment to moment hoping for the day when this is all comfortable and second nature. When I know my son inside and out and he knows me that way too and everything in our life fits in place. Right now we're figuring things out together, and it's scary and it's awkward... and yes, it is also full of magic and laughs and lots of "awwwwws!!!!!" but mostly I feel like a terrible mom because I feel like I fail at even the most basic tasks. And without Mike telling me "I think you're doing great and you're a natural"... I would really be freaked out! I mean, I can't even get the kid to booby feed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The most basic of all needs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH! So, that's where I am right now. Lost and feeling like a failure. And yes, also happy to have my little guy....OF COURSE. Oh, and operating on about an hour of sleep. JOY
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Aftermath of Birth
After giving birth to this little baby you're kind of shell shocked, but in a good way. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Mike and I just sat there looking at him, marvelling. I mean, there he was... after months and months of speculation. He didn't look like me, didn't look like him... just bits and pieces of familiarity....all unique to him. And you know him yet you don't know him... and he's looking at you just like you're looking at him. I wish I had it all on film, but I know even that wouldn't do it justice.
And on to the glam part.... I don't know what it's like to give birth naturally, so I can only speak from my perspective. But laying in a bed with giant diaper pads wedged between your legs while you're high as a kite on some med that keeps you itching from morphine is... surreal. A few hours after surgery two nurses came in to get me up and cleaned. They had me walk to the bathroom... an amazing adventure on wobbly legs and a swimmy head, um and an open, flowing river of yuck... ew!
Finally you get in there and they have you sit on the toilet to pee in a tub so they can measure your pee output. The clean up is invasive. LOL They give you a bottle of water to spray on your hooch while they're busy changing your pads and putting you in net panties. OH, and to say my ass wasn't raw from sitting naked on a bath towel for 4 days straight would be an understatement. The skin hurt so bad! But the only way I could get comfortable was to sit upright, hence all my weight was rested on the top of my butt, and like I said, on a terry cloth towel. Yeah, it causes chaffing and soreness. LOL
At one point when these lovely ladies were cleaning me up I said to them "you can really have no sense of shame and have a baby". Everyone is ALL up in your grill, and by grill I mean crotch. You get sort of used to it from the doctor's appointments leading up to the Event, but still. You seriously can't have any kind of modesty and give birth. And honestly, you just don't even care. Between the ladies cleaning you, the people checking your dilation, the women shaving you up for surgery, the nurse grabbing your boobs to help you nurse... there is simply no subtlety to any of it. You are an "open book", plain and simple.
I probably left the hospital a day too soon, but since I had been there two days before actually giving birth, I was just ready to get the hell out of there with my husband and our new little man. I had to get the MMR vaccine before I left because apparently I wasn't immune to Rubella! Despite the fact that I had been vaccinated as a child. I guess it can wear off or something. But anyway, we rushed to get out of there!
Dirk loves riding in the car. He takes after his momma there, cuz I love it too. That was one thing I always loved about touring... riding around in the van/car sleeping! I can't keep my eyes open in the car for nothing, and Dirk is the same. We got him home and all chaos broke loose. And that is where I'll end for the day!
I wanted to write all this stuff out to those who haven't had a kid as well as my friends who are curious about my experience through all of this. I mean, going into it no one really gives you the whole story. They either make their situation out to be a thousand times worse than it likely was (because to them it truly was that bad, even if it wasn't REALLY that bad) or they blow off anything negative that happened because they only remember the good aspects once they've got their little angel. Your emotions are all over the place! From elation to fear to numbness to frustration and on and on. All over the place. Literally, the only thing that matters is that little guy. People tell you that you don't understand love until you have a child. I always thought that was sort of trite. I understood it, and believed it, but also thought, well, that's unfair to say to people who don't have children. But I have to say, something most definitely changes in you the moment that little baby makes his entrance into the world. Before Dirk I cared so much about everything... like music, writing, food, television, etc. Now? Everything is secondary. If I don't eat today? Oh well. I haven't watched True Blood in two weeks! Do I currently care if I finish my book or ever write another song? Not really.
I know that once we settle into our new life those things will change, but I seriously doubt anything will ever have the impact again that my little Dirk has on us. And not only does your heart expand for your little one, but even my adoration and devotion to Mike has grown exponentially. He has always been everything to me, but now? He's Daddy, and he's my Rock. Even more so than he was before. He's taken care of me for the last nine months and helped me through the most difficult experience I've ever been through. Without his support I would've been terrified. But just having him by my side gave me what I needed to get through without fear. But even our love has changed with the addition of this little guy. It's unexplainable, but tangible. Mike RULES, plain and simple. And all I hope is that Dirk grows up to be like his Dad.
More later.... the next part of the story was the hardest part of all. EMOTIONS!!!
And on to the glam part.... I don't know what it's like to give birth naturally, so I can only speak from my perspective. But laying in a bed with giant diaper pads wedged between your legs while you're high as a kite on some med that keeps you itching from morphine is... surreal. A few hours after surgery two nurses came in to get me up and cleaned. They had me walk to the bathroom... an amazing adventure on wobbly legs and a swimmy head, um and an open, flowing river of yuck... ew!
Finally you get in there and they have you sit on the toilet to pee in a tub so they can measure your pee output. The clean up is invasive. LOL They give you a bottle of water to spray on your hooch while they're busy changing your pads and putting you in net panties. OH, and to say my ass wasn't raw from sitting naked on a bath towel for 4 days straight would be an understatement. The skin hurt so bad! But the only way I could get comfortable was to sit upright, hence all my weight was rested on the top of my butt, and like I said, on a terry cloth towel. Yeah, it causes chaffing and soreness. LOL
At one point when these lovely ladies were cleaning me up I said to them "you can really have no sense of shame and have a baby". Everyone is ALL up in your grill, and by grill I mean crotch. You get sort of used to it from the doctor's appointments leading up to the Event, but still. You seriously can't have any kind of modesty and give birth. And honestly, you just don't even care. Between the ladies cleaning you, the people checking your dilation, the women shaving you up for surgery, the nurse grabbing your boobs to help you nurse... there is simply no subtlety to any of it. You are an "open book", plain and simple.
I probably left the hospital a day too soon, but since I had been there two days before actually giving birth, I was just ready to get the hell out of there with my husband and our new little man. I had to get the MMR vaccine before I left because apparently I wasn't immune to Rubella! Despite the fact that I had been vaccinated as a child. I guess it can wear off or something. But anyway, we rushed to get out of there!
Dirk loves riding in the car. He takes after his momma there, cuz I love it too. That was one thing I always loved about touring... riding around in the van/car sleeping! I can't keep my eyes open in the car for nothing, and Dirk is the same. We got him home and all chaos broke loose. And that is where I'll end for the day!
I wanted to write all this stuff out to those who haven't had a kid as well as my friends who are curious about my experience through all of this. I mean, going into it no one really gives you the whole story. They either make their situation out to be a thousand times worse than it likely was (because to them it truly was that bad, even if it wasn't REALLY that bad) or they blow off anything negative that happened because they only remember the good aspects once they've got their little angel. Your emotions are all over the place! From elation to fear to numbness to frustration and on and on. All over the place. Literally, the only thing that matters is that little guy. People tell you that you don't understand love until you have a child. I always thought that was sort of trite. I understood it, and believed it, but also thought, well, that's unfair to say to people who don't have children. But I have to say, something most definitely changes in you the moment that little baby makes his entrance into the world. Before Dirk I cared so much about everything... like music, writing, food, television, etc. Now? Everything is secondary. If I don't eat today? Oh well. I haven't watched True Blood in two weeks! Do I currently care if I finish my book or ever write another song? Not really.
I know that once we settle into our new life those things will change, but I seriously doubt anything will ever have the impact again that my little Dirk has on us. And not only does your heart expand for your little one, but even my adoration and devotion to Mike has grown exponentially. He has always been everything to me, but now? He's Daddy, and he's my Rock. Even more so than he was before. He's taken care of me for the last nine months and helped me through the most difficult experience I've ever been through. Without his support I would've been terrified. But just having him by my side gave me what I needed to get through without fear. But even our love has changed with the addition of this little guy. It's unexplainable, but tangible. Mike RULES, plain and simple. And all I hope is that Dirk grows up to be like his Dad.
More later.... the next part of the story was the hardest part of all. EMOTIONS!!!
Friday, September 2, 2011
And So It Begins . . . the birthing story
Well, you prepare yourself for roughly nine months. You read, you talk to a lot of people, you picture things in your mind..... and it all goes right out the window the second you start the process of giving birth. (whatever process that is! be it, natural labor, induction, c-section) Seriously you may as well not bother reading anything. There is simply no possible way to wrap your brain around the reality. People tell you things, and yet the words are so insufficient.
And so here I am. Half asleep, (so bear with me) feeling the need to share. I'm a little wonky on the actual timeline because, HELLO, I was trying to birth a baby. So don't be so nit picky about the timelines and whatnot. Anyone who knows me knows I have a terrible sense of time and date anyway. I'm still sort of lost on it all but the actual physical and emotional details.
Last Wednesday August 24th we drove to the hospital to start inducing labor. Everything was surreal, but since I'm good at just shutting off the fear and going through the motions, all was relatively well. I was already having mild contractions when they hooked me up to the monitors. They started off by using some "softening agent" on my cervix. (sexy, no?) They starting using the Pitocin later. Nothing happened. After hours and hours nothing happened.
Plan B on Thursday evening, try again with different meds. I got terrible cramps and thought "this is going to work!!!". NOPE. Still nothing after hours and hours of pain. Every time they touched my cervix (again, sexy) it was excruciating. At this point it was getting ridiculous. I was miserable and wanting my little Dirk already! It was exhausting, no sleep, I hadn't been able to eat for two days, and strapped to a bed by wires and IVs. Mike was just sitting there watching it all...both of us zombies.
My doctor came in around 7 AM Friday morning to check on my progress... nothing still.... after all that work. So, she decided to break my water and up the Pitocin. OUCH! Let me tell you, getting my water broken was HORRENDOUS. I know it's "not supposed to hurt", but you know what, IT DID. Because my cervix was so raw anything touching it was just beyond painful, so having hands and a giant crochet needle moving around up in there was awful. I will say, once the water gushed out there was a nice warm relief. Though sitting in a bed as water randomly squishes out of you is not pleasant in any way! At one point I stood up and SPLOOSH! All over myself and the floor. Thank God Mike isn't a sissy! Poor thing mopped the floor and helped me get to the bathroom (attached to 4 different wires/tubes and gushing water! JOY!)
The doctor came back at noonish to check on me. Well, no contractions. In fact, less than I had been having prior to water breaking. Dirk just didn't want to leave his little world. She said there were still some things we could try to get the contractions started. At this point I was over it. I just wanted it to be over. She didn't really come out and say the efforts wouldn't work, but you could see it was a "last ditch effort". As much as I didn't want a c-section, I did want my baby out of me. I was tired of waiting, Tired of being poked and prodded. The idea of even having my cervix checked for dilation was frightening to me. So, it was on. And let me tell you, once they decided the c-section was the way we were going to go, it happened FAST!
They brought Mike his scrubs five minutes after we made the decision and they came in with meds for me to start taking and a hair net. Okay, cramming my hair into a hairnet was a chore in and off itself! LOL My doctor left to prep herself and an anesthesiologist came in to discuss how everything was going to happen. A few minutes later they started wheeling me down to surgery. It was all a blur. I had started having massive chills. I was trembling all over. It was so weird, my limbs would not cooperate! I wasn't outwardly afraid or anything either. It was just one of those "okay, let's just do this" kind of things, so the trembling was weird!
Aaaanyway, so they took me back into the OR, which was cold cold cold and roll me onto this other table, which was a weird sensation. I can't believe how NICE everyone in there was to me. It really made the situation a ton less scary. When it came time to get the epidural the trembling was still in full force. I was sitting on the edge of the table hunched over a pillow as far as I could while a girl stood in front of me with her hands on my knees as she tried getting my mind on something else. Her doing that was of more comfort than I can even explain. It stopped my trembling immediately. The shot in the back hurt, but it was more uncomfortable really than painful. It was weird feeling something in your spine. When she finally hit "the spot" and they laid me back down the warmth that came over my legs was blissful. It was so warm. It felt good. Normally any "weird sensation" freaks me out, but that felt good to me. They started hanging the curtain up in front of me. The anesthesiologist stood beside me squeezing my hand periodically, something I also took a lot of comfort from. It's weird that a stranger could make you feel safe in a situation like that, but he did. His demeanor was really kind and funny, just what I needed apparently! He said, "She's already started", which was shocking to me because it was all happening so fast! And then Mike was brought back in and he sat beside me. I squeezed his hand the entire time. My doctor told him "Get that camera ready, Mike! I'll let you know when you can stand up". Literally moments later he was given the cue and he was standing up looking over the curtain repeating the mantra "oh my gosh, oh my gosh" calmly but with amazement. Then the final "he is beautiful" was said and I felt the most relief I have probably ever felt.
And thus at 2:51 PM on August 26th little Dirk Alrik VanPortfleet was born! I will never forget that moment seeing Mike looking at Dirk for the first time. (great, I'm crying thinking about it! HAHA) And then we heard Dirk cry for the first time. Music to our ears!
They had Mike come over to him and I sat behind the curtain, with a strangers hand in mine, and listened to all the sounds of daddy and Dirk doing whatever all they were doing behind the curtain. I heard all the nurses and my doctor ooing and aahing at how CUTE he was and how perfect his little round head was and jokes of "there was no way that head was coming through your birth canal!" Then Mike brought little Dirk so that I could see him. He was SO cute!!! Perfectly cute! You know, you never know what they're really going to look like and everyone has that fear "what if he looks weird!?" even though it doesn't matter in the grand scheme, there's still always that fear that something will be weird or wrong with him. Nope, Dirk was perfect and cute! then they took a couple pictures of us together and whisked Mike and Dirk off to another room so they could finish up on me.
There was a light right above my head that reflected a perfect view of my open body cavity. I didn't allow myself to look and I think thats a flaw in that room! LOL I doubt they realize the patient can do that. I did look when Dirk was coming out, but it was hard to decipher it all. I felt the tugging and all that, but nothing was unpleasant. There was music playing in the OR and I remember hearing Oasis..that "today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you" song, I think. It was nice hearing stupid "alternative" music in there. LOL The other songs that were played were comparable. I just can't remember now, a little preoccupied you know. They gave me some different types of meds and one of them made me loopy as heck, which really upset me. I don't drink or take drugs because I do NOT like feeling out of my control. I don't like feeling "off" or out of touch with all my faculties. So yeah, I was bummed that I was suddenly so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I wanted to be alert and fully functioning so I could be totally coherent meeting my little man for the first time. I wanted to experience every second wholly. But it wasn't meant to be that way, I guess.
They finally wheeled me back to post-op where Mike was holding Dirk. It made me so happy he got to hold Dirk even before me. He was the first to bond with Dirk, and that made me very happy. I had Dirk with me for 9 mos and Mike was on the outside, so it made me so happy that he got to hold Dirk first and cuddle him first. We watched a nurse wash Dirk up and dress him. I wish I had her kind of confidence holding babies. The way she slung him around so competently is enviable! And then we were taken to our room to rest and get to know our little man by ourselves.
This is where I will stop for today. What follows from here will be a little less magical, and a lot more "real"!
;)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikevanportfleet/
And so here I am. Half asleep, (so bear with me) feeling the need to share. I'm a little wonky on the actual timeline because, HELLO, I was trying to birth a baby. So don't be so nit picky about the timelines and whatnot. Anyone who knows me knows I have a terrible sense of time and date anyway. I'm still sort of lost on it all but the actual physical and emotional details.
Last Wednesday August 24th we drove to the hospital to start inducing labor. Everything was surreal, but since I'm good at just shutting off the fear and going through the motions, all was relatively well. I was already having mild contractions when they hooked me up to the monitors. They started off by using some "softening agent" on my cervix. (sexy, no?) They starting using the Pitocin later. Nothing happened. After hours and hours nothing happened.
Plan B on Thursday evening, try again with different meds. I got terrible cramps and thought "this is going to work!!!". NOPE. Still nothing after hours and hours of pain. Every time they touched my cervix (again, sexy) it was excruciating. At this point it was getting ridiculous. I was miserable and wanting my little Dirk already! It was exhausting, no sleep, I hadn't been able to eat for two days, and strapped to a bed by wires and IVs. Mike was just sitting there watching it all...both of us zombies.
My doctor came in around 7 AM Friday morning to check on my progress... nothing still.... after all that work. So, she decided to break my water and up the Pitocin. OUCH! Let me tell you, getting my water broken was HORRENDOUS. I know it's "not supposed to hurt", but you know what, IT DID. Because my cervix was so raw anything touching it was just beyond painful, so having hands and a giant crochet needle moving around up in there was awful. I will say, once the water gushed out there was a nice warm relief. Though sitting in a bed as water randomly squishes out of you is not pleasant in any way! At one point I stood up and SPLOOSH! All over myself and the floor. Thank God Mike isn't a sissy! Poor thing mopped the floor and helped me get to the bathroom (attached to 4 different wires/tubes and gushing water! JOY!)
The doctor came back at noonish to check on me. Well, no contractions. In fact, less than I had been having prior to water breaking. Dirk just didn't want to leave his little world. She said there were still some things we could try to get the contractions started. At this point I was over it. I just wanted it to be over. She didn't really come out and say the efforts wouldn't work, but you could see it was a "last ditch effort". As much as I didn't want a c-section, I did want my baby out of me. I was tired of waiting, Tired of being poked and prodded. The idea of even having my cervix checked for dilation was frightening to me. So, it was on. And let me tell you, once they decided the c-section was the way we were going to go, it happened FAST!
They brought Mike his scrubs five minutes after we made the decision and they came in with meds for me to start taking and a hair net. Okay, cramming my hair into a hairnet was a chore in and off itself! LOL My doctor left to prep herself and an anesthesiologist came in to discuss how everything was going to happen. A few minutes later they started wheeling me down to surgery. It was all a blur. I had started having massive chills. I was trembling all over. It was so weird, my limbs would not cooperate! I wasn't outwardly afraid or anything either. It was just one of those "okay, let's just do this" kind of things, so the trembling was weird!
Aaaanyway, so they took me back into the OR, which was cold cold cold and roll me onto this other table, which was a weird sensation. I can't believe how NICE everyone in there was to me. It really made the situation a ton less scary. When it came time to get the epidural the trembling was still in full force. I was sitting on the edge of the table hunched over a pillow as far as I could while a girl stood in front of me with her hands on my knees as she tried getting my mind on something else. Her doing that was of more comfort than I can even explain. It stopped my trembling immediately. The shot in the back hurt, but it was more uncomfortable really than painful. It was weird feeling something in your spine. When she finally hit "the spot" and they laid me back down the warmth that came over my legs was blissful. It was so warm. It felt good. Normally any "weird sensation" freaks me out, but that felt good to me. They started hanging the curtain up in front of me. The anesthesiologist stood beside me squeezing my hand periodically, something I also took a lot of comfort from. It's weird that a stranger could make you feel safe in a situation like that, but he did. His demeanor was really kind and funny, just what I needed apparently! He said, "She's already started", which was shocking to me because it was all happening so fast! And then Mike was brought back in and he sat beside me. I squeezed his hand the entire time. My doctor told him "Get that camera ready, Mike! I'll let you know when you can stand up". Literally moments later he was given the cue and he was standing up looking over the curtain repeating the mantra "oh my gosh, oh my gosh" calmly but with amazement. Then the final "he is beautiful" was said and I felt the most relief I have probably ever felt.
And thus at 2:51 PM on August 26th little Dirk Alrik VanPortfleet was born! I will never forget that moment seeing Mike looking at Dirk for the first time. (great, I'm crying thinking about it! HAHA) And then we heard Dirk cry for the first time. Music to our ears!
They had Mike come over to him and I sat behind the curtain, with a strangers hand in mine, and listened to all the sounds of daddy and Dirk doing whatever all they were doing behind the curtain. I heard all the nurses and my doctor ooing and aahing at how CUTE he was and how perfect his little round head was and jokes of "there was no way that head was coming through your birth canal!" Then Mike brought little Dirk so that I could see him. He was SO cute!!! Perfectly cute! You know, you never know what they're really going to look like and everyone has that fear "what if he looks weird!?" even though it doesn't matter in the grand scheme, there's still always that fear that something will be weird or wrong with him. Nope, Dirk was perfect and cute! then they took a couple pictures of us together and whisked Mike and Dirk off to another room so they could finish up on me.
There was a light right above my head that reflected a perfect view of my open body cavity. I didn't allow myself to look and I think thats a flaw in that room! LOL I doubt they realize the patient can do that. I did look when Dirk was coming out, but it was hard to decipher it all. I felt the tugging and all that, but nothing was unpleasant. There was music playing in the OR and I remember hearing Oasis..that "today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you" song, I think. It was nice hearing stupid "alternative" music in there. LOL The other songs that were played were comparable. I just can't remember now, a little preoccupied you know. They gave me some different types of meds and one of them made me loopy as heck, which really upset me. I don't drink or take drugs because I do NOT like feeling out of my control. I don't like feeling "off" or out of touch with all my faculties. So yeah, I was bummed that I was suddenly so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I wanted to be alert and fully functioning so I could be totally coherent meeting my little man for the first time. I wanted to experience every second wholly. But it wasn't meant to be that way, I guess.
They finally wheeled me back to post-op where Mike was holding Dirk. It made me so happy he got to hold Dirk even before me. He was the first to bond with Dirk, and that made me very happy. I had Dirk with me for 9 mos and Mike was on the outside, so it made me so happy that he got to hold Dirk first and cuddle him first. We watched a nurse wash Dirk up and dress him. I wish I had her kind of confidence holding babies. The way she slung him around so competently is enviable! And then we were taken to our room to rest and get to know our little man by ourselves.
This is where I will stop for today. What follows from here will be a little less magical, and a lot more "real"!
;)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikevanportfleet/
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