Emotional Overload - I am NO GOOD at this

So, Mike and I came home from the hospital Sunday afternoon. I was still pretty out of it. We were both still pretty shell shocked by the whole experience. We were both glad my mom was here. That night we were sitting around watching television with the baby in his little crib and noticed the house was warm. The air was set on 70, yet the house was 85 and climbing. Not good. Mike called our air conditioning company at midnight and they promised to send someone out first thing the following morning since we had a newborn and a wife that just had surgery. The guy didn't come til almost 11. Yeah, the house was hot as fuck. So, the guy put in some coolant blah blah, it was supposed to keep the house cool until another guy could come the following day to give us an estimate on a new system. Perfect timing eh? Because we all know how inexpensive cooling/heating systems are. ANYWAY, the guy never showed up so Mike called and lo and behold, no one had set it up for anyone to come out. So Mike drove Dirk, me and my mom up to a hotel while he slept in a house that was over 100 degrees with two dogs and a cat and surrounded by fans. Living out of bags with a newborn, especially when you can barely get around, was so NOT fun. Not to mention I wanted my HUSBAND with me and I wanted us to ENJOY having our new son at home! Why couldn't we just deal with him and not also have to deal with this other chaos!?

So, the next day when no one showed up Mike packed up the dogs, the cat, and himself and came to the hotel. Major chaos. He spent most of the day calling around trying to find another company to come out. Thankfully his step dad had just replaced his system and had a good experience, so he called them and they came right out and jumped on everything. Of course it was still going to take TIME to get everything installed. So, all of us living in a hotel. Awesome.

My friend Shelby had warned me about the 3rd day after birth. My emotions were raw and all over the place. I felt so completely lost and out of control emotionally. Everything made me cry. I felt like a complete failure and so LOST... it's the only way to describe it. I'm sure it was 98% hormonal, but also the crazy situation we were forced into. I was so sad and angry... WHY couldn't we just be at home settling in? Why do these things ALWAYS happen to us? We prepped for 9 mos for this baby and THIS was what we had to deal with? WHY? I couldn't stop crying. Thank God my mom was there because at one point I had to just shut myself in the bathroom and bawl like a baby. And then of course I felt guilty because I was feeling bad. I'm retarded or something. If not for Mike and my good friends who were texting me all the time, and my mom helping with the baby, things would've sucked a lot worse.

The baby breastfed immediately in the hospital without any problems, but as soon as I left he stopped and now cries like I'm trying to kill him any time I try to feed him. Because he wasn't eating enough he started getting "crystals" in his diaper.

http://www.babycenter.com/404_what-does-it-mean-if-my-baby-has-urate-crystals-in-her-diape_3651268.bc

So, I had to call his doctor that Sunday and find out what that was about. THANKFULLY the doctor actually has an answering service and cares enough to call back on his days off! Yes just another thing on our already overflowing plate of crap. The crystals look like blood, so we were freaked. The doctor told me to supplment with some formula to keep Dirk from getting dehydrated... and that is really what messed him up for breastfeeding I think. Now that he's used to getting fed easily via bottle he really doesn't want to work for his meal.

I tell you, it makes you feel horrendous when your child is screaming his head off rather than wanting to touch you! I mean, he literally acts like I'm trying to kill him! I know babies are all about drama, but dang, even mentally knowing that doesn't make it feel any less awful! It makes me feel like a failure as a mom. I'm already all fumbly! I had only changed like one diaper prior to Dirk and had never really been around a newborn...so I literally have to learn everything from scratch and I suck at the learning phase of anything...let alone feeling like a completely incompetant moron when it comes to the most important job I'll ever have.

So, after two and a half days of "hotel living" we finally got to come home to a nice, cool home. Sweet relief. Ahhh but my emotions are still raw.

Now, onto the next fear. While in the hospital I noticed Dirk had a white spot in his right pupil. I told myself, well, maybe baby eyes are just milky and weird? But I knew down deep it was odd, I was just afraid to confront it. And since he passed all his tests with flying colors, and I didn't want to worry Mike or confront my fear, I didn't say anything. Of course, it never left my mind and I continued to stare at it every time I held him. He had his first Dr's appt and I had intended to mention his eye there, but I was so frazzled from everything we had been through that I ended up forgetting. Again, Dirk is perfectly healthy, but I couldn't forget his eye. So I called the Dr's office and he wanted to see Dirk.

We took the baby to the doctor. I had to hold his little arms and legs down as his pediatrician looked into his eyes. I have been absolutely terrified about this situation. I am scared to death, as is Mike. I should have said something sooner! I should have mentioned it in the hospital! The doctor asked me if anyone in my family has cataracts or if I had taken any medicine while I was pregnant. (no to each) So, now Dirk has to go see a pediatric eye specialist this upcoming Wednesday. Mike and I are scared. The doctor really didn't explain anything to us, so on our way out I asked the nurse if this was something that was really serious. She told us she would ask the doctor and come back. She never came back. Meanwhile, Dirk was having a breakdown. Screaming, pooping, hungry. So after about 30 minutes I finally said we were out of there. When we went up to pay the co-pay and check out  I told the girl I wanted some info but the nurse never came back. We saw the girl as soon as we left the room and you could tell she was like "Oh shit! I forgot!" (In her defense, that place is a madhouse) So, they asked us to wait in the lobby and the doctor would come out, which he did a few moments later. He told us this was nothing serious and that Dirk will not lose his sight, but until I hear this from the Ped. Eye Dr, I will be terrified.  I don't want this little man to have surgery, and I don't want him to have vision problems. And again, WHY? WHY do these things have to happen? Nothing ever runs smoothly for Mike and I... we always have a hundred more things to worry about than most people have to worry about. So, until Wednesday, I know I will have periods of terror wash over me.

Now back to the emotions.....

I am pissed off. I feel like women are fucking liars. Society makes it out like when you have a baby you have this warm, rosy feeling...sunshine and butterflies fly out of your ass and you're this loving, all-knowing goddess who is the Great Giver of Life. BULLSHIT!

Yes, I am absolutely in love with this little guy and blown away that Mike and I created him. He's ours! We love and adore him! But right now I feel utterly LOST. There's no sense of routine. Everything I got comfort from before is now gone. I am a fish out of water. A fumbling, lost woman who has no freaking idea what she's doing! My son loves me and I love him, but I am no goddess and I certainly don't know what the fuck I am doing.

And yes, I know it will "all get easier"... but right now I AM LOST. And that is the reality. I am operating from moment to moment hoping for the day when this is all comfortable and second nature. When I know my son inside and out and he knows me that way too and everything in our life fits in place. Right now we're figuring things out together, and it's scary and it's awkward... and yes, it is also full of magic and laughs and lots of "awwwwws!!!!!"  but mostly I feel like a terrible mom because I feel like I fail at even the most basic tasks. And without Mike telling me "I think you're doing great and you're a natural"... I would really be freaked out! I mean, I can't even get the kid to booby feed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The most basic of all needs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH! So, that's where I am right now. Lost and feeling like a failure. And yes, also happy to have my little guy....OF COURSE. Oh, and operating on about an hour of sleep. JOY