Wednesday, October 19, 2011
getting old
I was thinking yesterday about why I was feeling sad because I went back on birth control pills and figured it out. It basically signifies the end of feeling youthful. I mean, I KNOW I'm not "old", but Dirk is the one and only child I will have, and even though I already knew that, going back on the pill puts the final nail in the coffin, which makes me feel old. I'm sure it's the same sort of thing women go through when going through menopause. It also means I will definitely not be breastfeeding anymore, and that makes me sad too. Even though I was only able to feed him once a day, it was a very sweet bonding time and that's not going to happen anymore. I'm basically a big ball of thinking too much about things that are sad and I need to knock it off. I swear I AM happy too, I just use this blog as a way to vent or something and everything has been so stressful since the day we came home from the hospital. And my mom is leaving Saturday, and that makes me sad too. Mike is only awake about two hours after he gets home from work so we basically never see him. he leaves at 5 AM and we don't see him again until almost 6 PM and then he goes to bed around 8. So, yeah, weirdness. I mean, I've had complete control of my life for the last 20 years, and now nothing is "comfortable" and everything is up in the air. It's just hard to adjust to...and it doesn't help that my body still hurts so bad. I NEED to start lifting weights and exercising, but damn it, I still hurt too bad. UGH
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
want want want
Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. I have nothing profound to say about it, just making note of it. LOL Mike sent me adorable flowers and Dirk, Dolly, Daisy, & Lily got me a really cute teddy bear. I got Mike a weird ass statue of a chimp holding a baby chimp and a framed copy of Dirk's first ultrasound.
Okay, so I am completely ineffective at everything. Ineffective or ineffectual? Both? Not sure about the verbiage there and don't give a shit enough to look it up. blah blah Suffice to say I am accomplishing NOTHING on my maternity leave. This whole thing has been so overwhelming emotionally, intellectually, and physically that I've basically just existed for the last seven weeks. I haven't gotten the house in order. I haven't gotten the writing work done I had hoped to. I don't go anywhere and I barely get dressed every day. Is this normal?
The physical aspects of healing from the c-section is really frustrating. I am STILL sore. I basically feel like I can't do anything even remotely physical. And then, of course, I start getting paranoid there's something wrong. TMI I started having menstrual cramps, but everything is so weird there, and unlike before as far as the way it's going down (haha) that I'm like, okay, am I having a period or is something wrong!? So annoying! A couple weeks ago part of my incision opened...talk about SERIOUSLY freaking me out.
And yes, now you know more of me than you probably wanted to. LOL
I don't know... I just had all these high hopes and expectations of what I would accomplish while I was off on maternity leave. I figured I would have my whole house cleaned and organized. That I would finish Violet Death and have Violent Violet Part 2 edited and uploaded. And that my mom and I would spend all this girl power quality time doing all this rad stuff.... Yeah, pretty much none of this stuff has happened. Basically we sit around the house watching stupid bullshit daytime television and I eat too much. Great... another thing I worry about! I need to get my damn mouth wired shut!
Ugh. I feel SO ugly. So old, fat, & ugly. I feel like I will never be even remotely attractive ever again. Not that I was ever hot to begin with, but ya know, I felt SOMEWHAT attractive like maybe once a year... now? I feel just gross.
I want to be superwoman. All powerful. Organized. Uber successful mega super awesome mom. blah blah blah
Whatever. I could seriously sit and list all my failures for the next week, but I'm too tired and apathetic to even do that.
I'm going to assume this is normal? Do those women really exist who can do it all? And not just do it all, but do it all cheerfully, successfully and happily?
Whatever, I guess. I've just felt like a big failure and I get frustrated for not being more patient with myself and others....most notably the people living in my house. LOL I completely underestimated just how HARD all of this parenthood stuff is.... in every way, shape, and form. I guess I was naive, or maybe optimistic? Or maybe I just expect myself to be able to DO everything and be everything and to be able to do it successfully and with a cheerful attitude. Yeah, unrealistic... but these are the standards I hold myself to....
You'd think I would accomplish more since I hold myself to such standards. Instead, I just fail at everything.
Okay, so I am completely ineffective at everything. Ineffective or ineffectual? Both? Not sure about the verbiage there and don't give a shit enough to look it up. blah blah Suffice to say I am accomplishing NOTHING on my maternity leave. This whole thing has been so overwhelming emotionally, intellectually, and physically that I've basically just existed for the last seven weeks. I haven't gotten the house in order. I haven't gotten the writing work done I had hoped to. I don't go anywhere and I barely get dressed every day. Is this normal?
The physical aspects of healing from the c-section is really frustrating. I am STILL sore. I basically feel like I can't do anything even remotely physical. And then, of course, I start getting paranoid there's something wrong. TMI I started having menstrual cramps, but everything is so weird there, and unlike before as far as the way it's going down (haha) that I'm like, okay, am I having a period or is something wrong!? So annoying! A couple weeks ago part of my incision opened...talk about SERIOUSLY freaking me out.
And yes, now you know more of me than you probably wanted to. LOL
I don't know... I just had all these high hopes and expectations of what I would accomplish while I was off on maternity leave. I figured I would have my whole house cleaned and organized. That I would finish Violet Death and have Violent Violet Part 2 edited and uploaded. And that my mom and I would spend all this girl power quality time doing all this rad stuff.... Yeah, pretty much none of this stuff has happened. Basically we sit around the house watching stupid bullshit daytime television and I eat too much. Great... another thing I worry about! I need to get my damn mouth wired shut!
Ugh. I feel SO ugly. So old, fat, & ugly. I feel like I will never be even remotely attractive ever again. Not that I was ever hot to begin with, but ya know, I felt SOMEWHAT attractive like maybe once a year... now? I feel just gross.
I want to be superwoman. All powerful. Organized. Uber successful mega super awesome mom. blah blah blah
Whatever. I could seriously sit and list all my failures for the next week, but I'm too tired and apathetic to even do that.
I'm going to assume this is normal? Do those women really exist who can do it all? And not just do it all, but do it all cheerfully, successfully and happily?
Whatever, I guess. I've just felt like a big failure and I get frustrated for not being more patient with myself and others....most notably the people living in my house. LOL I completely underestimated just how HARD all of this parenthood stuff is.... in every way, shape, and form. I guess I was naive, or maybe optimistic? Or maybe I just expect myself to be able to DO everything and be everything and to be able to do it successfully and with a cheerful attitude. Yeah, unrealistic... but these are the standards I hold myself to....
You'd think I would accomplish more since I hold myself to such standards. Instead, I just fail at everything.
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