Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. I have nothing profound to say about it, just making note of it. LOL Mike sent me adorable flowers and Dirk, Dolly, Daisy, & Lily got me a really cute teddy bear. I got Mike a weird ass statue of a chimp holding a baby chimp and a framed copy of Dirk's first ultrasound.
Okay, so I am completely ineffective at everything. Ineffective or ineffectual? Both? Not sure about the verbiage there and don't give a shit enough to look it up. blah blah Suffice to say I am accomplishing NOTHING on my maternity leave. This whole thing has been so overwhelming emotionally, intellectually, and physically that I've basically just existed for the last seven weeks. I haven't gotten the house in order. I haven't gotten the writing work done I had hoped to. I don't go anywhere and I barely get dressed every day. Is this normal?
The physical aspects of healing from the c-section is really frustrating. I am STILL sore. I basically feel like I can't do anything even remotely physical. And then, of course, I start getting paranoid there's something wrong. TMI I started having menstrual cramps, but everything is so weird there, and unlike before as far as the way it's going down (haha) that I'm like, okay, am I having a period or is something wrong!? So annoying! A couple weeks ago part of my incision opened...talk about SERIOUSLY freaking me out.
And yes, now you know more of me than you probably wanted to. LOL
I don't know... I just had all these high hopes and expectations of what I would accomplish while I was off on maternity leave. I figured I would have my whole house cleaned and organized. That I would finish Violet Death and have Violent Violet Part 2 edited and uploaded. And that my mom and I would spend all this girl power quality time doing all this rad stuff.... Yeah, pretty much none of this stuff has happened. Basically we sit around the house watching stupid bullshit daytime television and I eat too much. Great... another thing I worry about! I need to get my damn mouth wired shut!
Ugh. I feel SO ugly. So old, fat, & ugly. I feel like I will never be even remotely attractive ever again. Not that I was ever hot to begin with, but ya know, I felt SOMEWHAT attractive like maybe once a year... now? I feel just gross.
I want to be superwoman. All powerful. Organized. Uber successful mega super awesome mom. blah blah blah
Whatever. I could seriously sit and list all my failures for the next week, but I'm too tired and apathetic to even do that.
I'm going to assume this is normal? Do those women really exist who can do it all? And not just do it all, but do it all cheerfully, successfully and happily?
Whatever, I guess. I've just felt like a big failure and I get frustrated for not being more patient with myself and others....most notably the people living in my house. LOL I completely underestimated just how HARD all of this parenthood stuff is.... in every way, shape, and form. I guess I was naive, or maybe optimistic? Or maybe I just expect myself to be able to DO everything and be everything and to be able to do it successfully and with a cheerful attitude. Yeah, unrealistic... but these are the standards I hold myself to....
You'd think I would accomplish more since I hold myself to such standards. Instead, I just fail at everything.
Please please please don't be so hard on yourself, those "other" mothers must be living well through modern chemistry, who knows, just know, they don't exist, and if they do, well they suck LOL I know you only have a small window of time at home before you are off to work, but don't spend to much time fretting about unfinished business, your finishing your business and Dirk needs you, and you need yourself. This should be Mommy and Dirk time.. Eat well, drink lots of water, rest, heal, cuddle, take your vitamins, do gentle exercises, meditate, relax... Have you ever seen the movie Mr. Magoriums magic emporium? I love the part where Mr. Magorium says to Maggie, "No. We Breathe. We Pulse. We Regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty-seven seconds, well used, is a lifetime."
ReplyDeleteBe Blessed and Enjoy your time..
And if ever ever ever, it really just starts to feel too much, don't ever be afraid to talk to your doctor about these things, it happens with new mama's, even more reason to treat yourself with forgiveness and care, for a healthy you..
PS It is normal!! Your hores are a moaning!! 9 months to cook the Dirk, you figure its gonna take awhile to get rid of placenta brain! LOL Your body will settle and heal, it just takes time <3
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't know from personal experience, but I totally agree with ^. Please don't be so hard at yourself. Nobody's perfect. And who would want to be? Perfect is boring. You want to be boring? Hell to the frikkin' no. Of course not. Nobody can do everything for everyone, including themselves, and be all perky and happy at the same time. It just doesn't happen.
ReplyDeleteTake it easy. Take care of what matters most, your family and YOU.
Love you and miss you. MWAH!!!
Thanks, you guys! I really appreciate it. I'm like this with myself in every aspect of my life! I annoy myself but I don't know how else to be! LOL
ReplyDelete