Yesterday we took Dirkenstein to see the pediatric eye doctor to have the spot on his pupil checked. Mike and I were worried sick. We made the mistake of Googling. We saw everything from brain tumor, to cataract, to eye surgery, to "nothing to worry about". Suffice to say both of us were pretty scared.
The doctor was so nice. He really gave us a sense of relief just based on his demeanor. It turns out the spot on his pupil is actually part of his iris that attached to the pupil. He can see just fine and if the size stays the same it will be nothing he ever has to worry about. We have to take him back in two months for follow up. Thankfully this should never even affect his vision.
RELIEF
You don't realize how scared you can be. I mean, people tell you trite crap when you're pregnant about how you will never believe how much you can love someone else etc.. and in your head you're kind of like "yeah, I'm sure, but whatever"... So, now I guess I'm one of "those people" too. LOL I mean, I was terrified when Mike was sick back in the day. Absolutely terrified (and more on this shortly) but Mike is also a grown up and not helpless. Thinking about baby Dirk having to potentially go through something horrendous was just beyond frightening.
Back to Mike... for some reason having Dirk has made me even more terrified about losing others that I love. I worry about Mike. I worry about the rest of my family. The thought of losing any of them scares me more now than it ever did, and I have to say, it has always been something that's haunted me. Even as a child I used to get scared thinking about something happening to my parents. I simply cannot live without Mike. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. So now I'm mega paranoid about everything. Yeehaw!
Later today I go to my OB to get my two week check up. I'm really hoping they tell me I'm allowed to drive again. I cannot stand being trapped in the house!!!!! I still haven't gotten used to having to tow Dirk along everywhere. I know there's probably a "system" that will make it easier. Right now it seems a little daunting, the idea of going out by myself with him.
Ugh! Everything makes me paranoid! LOL Is it okay to put his pacifier in his mouth when he's sleeping? Is it okay for a blanket to just be draped over him? Is he spitting up too much? Does he have a normal amount of gas or is he too gassy? Is his poop the right consistancy? What's the best formula? Bottles? Nipples? BLAH BLAH BLAH The whole SIDs thing scares the living hell out of me! So, yeah, paranoid.
And all normal fears, from what I gather.
Sigh.
I'll get through this. I'm not stupid and people have been raising kids for thousands of years with less than what I've been blessed with. Still, geez louise.
I even tried doing some writing yesterday! I only got about five paragraphs, but the routine of it felt good. I miss my characters and I miss their world!
more soon
;)
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